My Publicly Posted Letter to the Amateur Arsonist at YHC

So, there have been a lot of early morning fire alarms around YHC lately. For reasons that will be explained in my following letter, this was not a terribly bright idea on the behalf of the arsonist setting fires and generally causing grumpy, blurry, zombie-like havoc. Well, unable to get back to sleep for the rage boiling within me, I did something about it. I wrote the following letter and posted it publicly, all over campus and on my door. I admit, I wanted the arsonist to come and try to set a fire near my door. I, personally, wanted to be justified in beating him with our fire extinguisher.

I received many compliments and an expression of mutual feelings from a lot of people. I even had an English teacher who requested that my roommate introduce us tell me that I had "a rapacious wit." It made up, somewhat, for the minute amount of sanity I lost by being repeatedly woken up in the early morning and then expected to go to class and function like a person, not the quasi zombie I really was.

So, here it is in its unabridged glory. It doesn't have the fancy script and stuff of the original...but I can't figure out how to upload a document, so, whatever.

Later.


Dear Amateur Arsonist,

Whilst considering your recent escapade, it occurred to me that you obviously had not thought through the situation. This is wildly apparent when one takes into account the constructive criticism I am about to give to you and which I sincerely hope you take to heart.

• At five a.m. in the morning people’s minds have not fully awakened. Only the most primitive and rage filled portions are functioning. For example, at five a.m. I could design a fully functioning replica of a guillotine but could not understand the definition of mercy.
• Thus, one can concur that there are now three entire buildings whose occupants would love nothing more than to see your entrails become extrails.
• Furthermore, if at five a.m. in the morning you have nothing better to do than disturb the sleep of your peers, you need to attend to your love life.

In conclusion, if you are lucky enough not to be found out for this incident, I highly suggest that you consider retirement from your life of crime.

Warmest (and I do mean Warmest, searing even) wishes,

Angela Harkins